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Author
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Topic: King Arthur is awrthurful
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James Kustes
Member
Member # 2608
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posted
I just saw King Arthur and wrote a review for it. It is such a bad movie. Disney better deliver with Life Aquatic, Village, and Incredibles.
Hopefully I can show you the review around next week.
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Mr. Fun
IE # 63
Member # 352
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posted
I can't believe some of the stuff that has come out of Disney this year. Without Miramax and Pixar, they seem lost.
Remember the announcement that they were cutting back on film production? Maybe they need to get out of the business altogether. I can't think of a better time for a "house cleaning" at Disney.
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animator-boy
IE # 54
Member # 442
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posted
Remember the announcement that they were cutting back on film production? Maybe they need to get out of the business altogether. I can't think of a better time for a "house cleaning" at Disney.
Well Disney isnt big on fixing problems are they...much better to just wash their hands of it.....animation not working out...shut it down... live action films bombing....stop making em.....hope the parks dont have a major attendence dive or they may be shuttered....
Disney's motto "if its broke...throw it away"...or sell it on ebay....
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www.raymation.net
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Peg
IE # 233
Member # 3008
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posted
"awrthurful" is my new favourite word!
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OFFBEAT
IE # 39
Member # 873
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posted
The trailer looked horrible!!.. I dunno how, by looking at it, you'd think that there was something good there.
When Guenivere is being rewritten as xena: warrior princess... Hollywood has spoken.
I'm surprised Will Smith wasn't casted as Sir Lancelot.
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James Kustes
Member
Member # 2608
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posted
I don't know if the more edited version will be published in the local paper, but my editor said she liked it better than the uncut one, plus (to your delight) it actually has more Disney-bashing than the offensive review.
The funnier uncut version won't be put in. Not to mention some douchebag that works there that has nothing to do with the movie reviews was mad about it because he has a handicapped kid. He said he was going to have some sort of protest to get me fired if it was put in print. I told him it would bring more attention and he said no one would care because I was "just an intern."
I don't see any harm in posting it, it's not like it's copyrighted. Except that I might reuse some of the jokes at a later date.
Read below for salty language (easily-offened look away):
King Arthur 4 stars
The most retarded thing at the movies besides the ticket takers
By Jimmy Kustes
King Arthur is based off the true story of how King Arthur (played by Clive Owen) killed a bunch of people in cold blood in Fargo.
It’s the most historically inaccurate adaptation of the fictional King Arthur that Disney has ever done. And that’s counting the animated film where Merlin turns into a computer so Arthur can buy his sword online.
Where to begin? First of all Guinevere (played by Keira Knightley) bares her midriff for all of ‘tarnation to see. I have learned enough from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade that you can’t touch the Holy Grail without turning into a skeleton unless you are pure of heart. Meaning you can’t be a nazi and you can’t expose your belly button.
Also the script is horrible, take this line for example: “A round table? What kind of EVIL is this?”
I’ve heard better dialogue in a Marmaduke comic, “A dog in a taxi? What kind of EVIL is this?” “Marmaduke is eating my sandwich? What kind of EVIL is this?”
But not all is lost! There’s a penis joke, a slow-motion death, and it ends with a wedding. I can’t believe writers in Hollywood are paid so much money while I write for this rag.
Speaking of rag, let’s talk about Guinevere some more. I have never seen anyone so butch since that one girl in Lord of the Rings that killed the witch king while saying “I am no man.”
Don’t worry though. We do get to see a few women act permissive. In the beginning Guinevere is locked up. I would have liked to have seen her locked to a stove, but what are you going to do?
But once Arthur frees her, she begins to bitch about how he’s betrayed Britain for Rome. If I was him I would say, “Girl, I just freed you from prison! When was last time you ate people food, bitch?”
Also unlike when downloading movies at home, at the theater they ask everyone if they are carrying a camera like they are ordained priests that are going to guilt someone into admitting it. The only thing I sneak into the show is a 2-liter bottle of Shasta and a microwave for my popcorn. I only download the bootlegs, I don’t make ‘em. Besides, the only pirates that would want to be involved with this film are the butt pirates that made it.
Now let’s end with a quote from Guinevere: “They tortured me…with MACHINES!”
I expected better from the negro director that brought me Training Day.
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PHIL
IE # 137
Member # 1808
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posted
This is a very accurate depiction of Arthur on all accounts, with facts to back it up! Which I won't go into unless someone wants them.
Whilst Disney aren't the flavour of the year for me either, they are just distributors now on all accounts. I'm going to hold my judgement on this until it's release but I think it will actually be worth paying to see.
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Mr. Fun
IE # 63
Member # 352
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posted
Well, I guess there's only so much a "negro director" can do with a script like that.
By the way, I loved the review.
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Timbone
IE # 90
Member # 1305
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posted
Not a bad review, but I can see your predjudice showing. Seems to me that you've actually managed to offend the handicapped, homosexuals, and african-americans as well as the entire cast, crew, writers and directors. Can't fault you for the lampooning of the folks involved in the film, but "butt pirates"? And what point are you making by bringing up the Training Day director's ethnicity? What did that matter?
And what animated Arthur film did Disney make that had Arthur buying a sword online? Certainly wasn't the Sword in the Stone. No one in the audience when that film was released would have got that joke had it even actually been in there.
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James Kustes
Member
Member # 2608
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posted
It was satire. The thing where I say negro to explain Antione Fequa was to make a joke about how they are always saying Mexican director, British director.
And I was almost making a Dave Berry-like jab at how goofy The Sword and the Sword was. I don't leave anyone out of my lampooning, not even groups I'm involved with. And that includes cartoonists.
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Russian Judge
IE # 174
Member # 3004
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posted
James, do not let your anger at the movie contaminate your writing. A critic is supposed to be like a Jedi. Fame, honor, financial reward, recognition of your wit; a Jedi craves not these things. Hatred, dislike of individuals, obvious jokes; these lead to the Dark Side.
The good Jedi named Rex Reed was consumed by the dark side and became Darth Gay-dar. Instead of advocating the fine, the moral and the true in his reviews, he offered up snotty remarks about how "Nancy Sinatra looks like a pizza waitress, no matter how much of her daddy's money she spends." The Dark Side rewarded Darth's depredations for a while, giving him regular appearances on "The Mike Douglas Show," but eventually he became corrupted and wound up stealing CD's from a record store.
Learn from his lesson. Don't give in to hate. I'm just sayin'.
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See the new, updated TOON Magazine Online
at http://www.toonmag.com
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Timbone
IE # 90
Member # 1305
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posted
Dave Barry is more obvious with his satire, and he never approaches racial issus as far as I am aware. That kind of satire and humor is reserved for those that really understand your writing and personality. It's no wonder people are getting upset - you're just making these statements and no one has any clue with who you are or where you are coming from. To me, it came off as very predjudicial.
And the cartoonist lampooning is fine, but you come off like you are stating it as fact that the character did these things, and it only makes your opinion and facts come off as ill-informed and uneducated. Saying something akin to "Arthur from the Sword in the Stone did darn near everything except order Excalibur online" would have at leat been funny and would not have come off like you had never really seen the film.
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jeffnevins
IE # 247
Member # 1657
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posted
I don't think the female warrior in LOTR or Guen look butch, or that looking "butch" is wrong.
I agree that that there are better ideas for films out there that deserved to be made over KA.
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My game art & animation-
http://www.tangerinepop.com/GraveShift2/
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James Kustes
Member
Member # 2608
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posted
Some of you will like the more PC-version. Still I rip into the movie in both. Hopefully it will be published and I can show you around Wednesday or Thursday.
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James Kustes
Member
Member # 2608
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posted
Here's the more PC-version
Jerry Bruckheimer’s new film King Arthur was advertised as the true story of King Arthur, but it seems to be based off a true story in the same sense that Fargo was.
The plot of the movie is that Arthur (played by Clive Owen) was not just a fairytale figure but an actual military leader for Britain as well as (here’s the hook) Rome! Daunted by the task of moonlighting for two countries, he must protect his people from the Saxons.
Yet, it turns out to be the most historically inaccurate adaptation of the fictional character that Disney has ever done. And that’s counting the 1963 animated film The Sword And The Stone, which had a purple dragon in it.
I doubt in medieval times, Guinevere (played by Keira Knightley) would bare her midriff for all of ‘tarnation to see. Everyone knows that from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade that you can’t touch the Holy Grail without turning into a skeleton unless you are pure of heart. Meaning you can’t be a nazi and you can’t expose your belly button.
And instead of a damsel in distress like in the classic story, she is now a warrior. So much so, I expected her to kill the witch king while saying “I am no man.”
Don’t worry though. We do get to see a few women act permissive. In the beginning Guinevere is locked up. I would liked to have seen her locked to a stove, but what can you do?
Also the script is horrible, take this line for example: “A round table? What kind of EVIL is this?”
I’ve heard better dialogue in a Marmaduke comic, “A dog in a taxi? What kind of EVIL is this?” “Marmaduke is eating my sandwich? What kind of EVIL is this?”
Hans Zimmer also makes the score too melodramatic. The scene where he pulls the sword from the stone is supposed to inspire awe, but instead winds up outrageously cheesy.
But not all is lost! There’s a penis joke, a slow-motion death, and not to spoil anything, but it ends with a wedding.
I expected better from the Antoine Fuqua, the director of Training Day.
But I can’t say the same about Disney. This year alone: Pixar left them, they fired their Florida animation studio, tried to can Fahrenheit 9/11, and have had financial flop after financial flop in the forms of The Alamo, Around the World In 80 Days, and even the funny Ladykillers. Kill Bill Volume 2 proved to be their only hit. One can only hope they can deliver successes with M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village, Wes Anderson’s Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, and Pixar’s The Incredibles at the end of the year.
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blackmocco
IE # 202
Member # 2422
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posted
Jesus H., go back to school and learn how to write, willya? "Women acting PERMISSIVE?!" SUBMISSIVE!!!
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"...and it was here, in this blighted place, he learned to live again..."
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mephistopheles
Member
Member # 275
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posted
if you want to see a decent version of this story, rent Mists of Avalon. i would suspect it's closer the the truth than the one currently in theatres.
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blackmocco
IE # 202
Member # 2422
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posted
'Mists of Avalon'?!! 'MISTS OF AVALON'??!!! With that chick who turned down $20 mil to stay with ER because she wanted to further her acting career? (and what a great job she did...'Ghost Ship' and the aforementioned piece of vomit above?! REAL smart, lady!) Mephistopheles, are you NUTS? Monty Python and The Holy Grail's more accurate than that piece of garbage!!
RENT 'EXCALIBUR', PEOPLE!!!!
Jeez Louise, you need me to bring you to the video store mySELF, huh?!
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"...and it was here, in this blighted place, he learned to live again..."
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Jon
IE # 110
Member # 10
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posted
As for being "factual", all history knows of Arthur ("Artorius") was he was a military leader (not a king), he killed a lot of people in various battles, and he died in the early fifth century (which pre-dated chain-mail by about 400 years, and stainless steel by about 1500 years) in the same battle that Mordred ("Medraut") died in. Nobody really knows whether Mordred was his illegimate son, a comrade, or an enemy.
Guinevere, Gawaine, Lancelot, and most of those other characters were invented between the 11th and 16th centuries by Geoffrey of Monmouth, Chretien de Troyes, and Thomas Malory.
I mean, I love the tales of Camelot as much as anybody. But it's all a myth, OK?
So why make a bad Hollywood movie supposedly telling "the real story" about characters that never existed?
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Twedzel
IE # 102
Member # 122
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posted
All I can say is you got a strange sense of humour for a critic. Actually sounds more like how my buds in highschool would talk about a movie the next day, but hey whatever floats your boat. Overall I give the review 1 star.
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