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Author Topic: today's joke...
KevinO
IE # 36
Member # 56

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Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued
teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber......
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The nun fainted.

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blue eyes
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A blonde says to a brunette, ''Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.''
The brunette says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

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Charles
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Golf Accident

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's a-hole.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey Honey, this looks like yours!'

I don't remember much after that."

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droosan
IE # 4
Member # 2225

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Why does Ariel wear sea shells?

.. because 'bee' shells are too tight, and 'dee' shells are too loose. [tipsy]

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devourax
IE # 275
Member # 2197

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(As told by my seven year old son..............)

So, there's two muffins in the oven.

The first muffin says to the second muffin,
"Man, its getting hot in here!"

The second muffin says, "Whoa...a talking muffin!"


-dev

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Devourax
http://devourax.blogspot.com/

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dermot
IE # 193
Member # 1575

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how Mick Jagger came up with a hit song :

A long while back Mr. Hefner was having one of his many parties at the mansion and got into a heated argument with guest Dennis Weaver . Mick came into the room just in time to stop the fight saying "Hey, Hey Hugh....Hugh....get offa McCloud ! "

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http://zoomfrog.blogspot.com/

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Charles
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Sent in for inclusion on pud's world famous today's joke thread.

..................

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Ellsworth, Maine after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still
for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Charles
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Another submission for today's joke.

..................

How Boys Are Born

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You've got male!"

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Rob Lamb
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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

"Dam!"

[Big Grin]

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http://www.robertartwriter.com/

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pud
IE # 30
Member # 245

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.? Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.? But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.? Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"?

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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" Your Scenes are there forever." - Ollie Johnston
http://markpudleiner.blogspot.com/

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pud
IE # 30
Member # 245

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highwaywhen he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself ?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then ?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

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" Your Scenes are there forever." - Ollie Johnston
http://markpudleiner.blogspot.com/

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pud
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The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

"You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife."

"Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interviewer.

The second man is given the same instructions. Five minutes later, he emerges with tears in his eyes and says, "I can't."

Finally, the woman is given the test, but with her husband. She takes the gun and enters the room. Shots are heard, then screaming, crashing, and banging. After a few minutes, she comes out and wipes the sweat from her brow. "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks," she says. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

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" Your Scenes are there forever." - Ollie Johnston
http://markpudleiner.blogspot.com/

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Charles
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The Duck & the Lawyer.........

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Virginia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Virginia. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

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Charles
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American Indian Winter Forecast

It was already late fall and the Native Americans on the Fond du Lac reservation in Cloquet, Minnesota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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Graphiteman
IE # 218
Member # 2092

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I went into the gas station today and

asked for five dollars worth of gas.....





The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

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Charles
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Subject: And then the fight started.....

**********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were on the side of the road and very slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So.... I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


**********************************************************************


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So.... I took her to a gas station!

And then the fight started....


**********************************************************************


This morning, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


***********************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,' Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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